I don’t necessarily think it’s a good idea to be so candid in my blog but i do feel it’s important that i’m translucent and open about my experiences. Maybe they will be of help to you, reader. Or maybe they will provide more clarity for me. Here goes nothing.
As you know, my transition from employed to unemployed was a scary one. It’s venturing into the unknown. Taking a risk. Accepting nothing and everything all at once. It’s liberating yet confusing. It’s a roller coaster of doubt and certainty. Slowly but surely all of that fades away. For me, it was important to get busy. Hustle was my motto. So I hustled my ass off. Took meetings. Started conversations. Linked up with new contacts. Started a documentary project. Booked a radio show.
I started doing and in that moment I started to lose my hatred for the city. After all, it wasn’t the city’s fault - I was just bitter and couldn’t own up to my own cowardly procrastination to accept that I wasn’t happy with and in my job.
Back in connection with the city I started to use it for what it provides: culture, food, socializing, friends. The culture part only lasted so long because my weeks were filled with meetings and my weekends for friends. Food - I will never get tired of the culinary scene of the city. Friends - I connected with new and old. I probably beat out every social butterfly out there since I was determined to never turn down an invitation and I didn’t. I threw in a couple work outs but overall, I was starting to fall into the trap that is socializing.
Now, to be fair. When I worked for Barclays Center I had no social life. The idea of me even grabbing drinks was a huge commitment I couldn’t and wouldn’t make. As a side note many of my friends took offense to this but I was simply too tired to socialize. Four weeks of unemployment granted me the freedom to reconnect. I did but by week 2 I was wondering what was the purpose of it all? I started to feel guilty and angry at myself for not sticking to a schedule and for continuing to go with the flow.
You should know one thing about me - I NEVER allow myself to have fun. In fact, my brother calls me the “Fun Police” because I’m so obsessed with my work and being the best example of myself.
I wanted to try to NOT judge myself for having fun. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Alyonka, there are other ways to have fun than friends and nightlife” and to that I’d say, “you know what, you’re right!”. But please take into account that I’m a single female living in an incredibly seductive city and there are only so many dinners I can do with my girlfriends, many of whom are happy in relationships and use “girl time” as an added bonus to their life. Plus, how else am I ever going to meet someone?
(I know, I know…no one’s ever met their significant other at a bar. WRONG. Both of my best friends are in incredible relationships. Both met their dudes at a bar/club.)
So, why am I writing this? Because right now I feel spent. Right now I feel like I’m part of this crazy rat race and there is no finish line in sight and that’s probably it…there is no finish line. Endless socializing is just something to do. And so we get back to the original step I made: doing. I think it’s important to have fun and to be ok with it. I think it’s important to make time for friends and nightlife. But I also think that there is a better definition of doing for me.
I was doing the wrong doing and I’ve learned my lesson.
I had to go through it hard, get to a point of ‘spent’ in order to understand that this lifestyle is NOT for me. I need structure. I need a schedule. I need to-do lists and tasks and exercise. I need sleep. And as much as I need friends and a social life, I need alone time more. I need my books. My movies. My candles. My room. I need space to be able to think and reflect.
Man oh man is it hard to do that in New York City. But I have to try.
My next goal: learn the art of balance. I have no choice but to make it work in NYC. Did I mention I got a job? The hustle and the fun and the conversations - it all paid off. But now I must focus. Now it’s time to get back to reality.
You know how they say that everything happens for a reason? True, unless we ignore the lesson. So let’s learn from those reasons and start to create the exact lives we want for ourselves.